views

I trace your letters into the oak

choke on the bark (and hope)

it will help me

find my way home 

through your dark.

coffee stains my teeth and 

I drown my lungs in smoke.

I need the “why” to become irrelevant

so I can break this covenant,

shake this pessimistic husk of myself 

that’s been negligent since dusk.

the way we loved, the way we broke – 

that’s all we wrote.

on fitting in

buy into the aesthetic,
the portrayal of a perfect life:
i am my own
edatrix of my edifice,
not a single truth, nor a single lie.
i wish i was a wanderer, a wonderer
but i am a
home body,
home bound,
land tied.
at least i can claim,
i really have tried –
i beat that horse
until it died.
for you i’ve cried,
and drained my pride –
but i think, for now, love,
i’ll just stay inside.

I’m all open and I hope it hurts 

I wasn’t enough.

I was too happy,

and maybe sad,

and maybe mad,

too often;

I wanted sex too much,

but I couldn’t never get it quite right

could I, love 

and my brain could

never soften,

but my heart

was oft too soft.

was it something about

the way that I run?

or was it that I always

have words at the tip

of my tongue,

ready to burst from

the belly of my lungs – 

was it fun? 

on others

I watch her with eyes envy, heart heavy.

wishes and steps so heavenly, gently,

her blood beats slow.

loves, she has many;

enemies, maybe one (if any).

oh to be jealous of

skin that has only just begun.

she rains down from above:

engulf me and swallow me whole,

drown me in your love:

if only we could sink down below. 

across my skin your fingers brush;
my particles seem to ripple and flush,
a candid effort to rush to your touch.
every bone in my body screams run –
it’s too much, too much.
instead I settle into that sweet disgust,
let my dreams rot and rust.
fingertips are only dust and nothing is just us
(nothing quite left to discuss) –
but we’ve only just begun.

swill

flutters and stutters,

gulp at straws and

grasp at throats (wait)

drag me with you and

sink, sink,

drink, drink,

(swallow the demons and

dance with the heathens)

think – wasted – blink –

rivers flood the ocean,

truths dawdle on my tongue,

secrets take shelter in my home:

despair flourishes about, my

hopes have thoroughly drowned.

if only, if only you could hold my heart,

maybe it wouldn’t fall apart.

wishes

I pulled myself apart to reach

the level I thought I had to be

to give you the love I thought you deserved,

to find the love I’d desperately

wanted to achieve.

unstick yourself from me –

that guilt is crisp on our bloody lips,

I trace your outline with my burnt fingertips.

my touch is a flood

and the love I want

is a trivial fantasy.

it’s not really bated breath and

windswept dreams;

it’s late night hate sweats and

anger stitched with lust

that bursts at the seams.

still I bow at your feet,

still you I serve – 

there’s a special valve

in my heart, reserved 

just for you. 

regret

hesitation,
aspiration,
just a twinge of guilt
rests on my neck.
cysts on my lips,
happy pills crushed between
teeth: my tongue lolls, vacancies – empty
shells, a secret sort of hell.
my beacon doesn’t shine too bright,
my faith doesn’t fly too high.
then there was blood
and it resonates.

vortex // northwest

i’m searching for something Beyond
what this world has to offer.
fire rains down and in
the mud i drown.
the sun peaks, swallows the hills:
its truth rushing
across the slopes; it
blesses my crown and
pierces my iris.
i raise myself from the dregs,
clear the mire.
clouds swirl and swallow my soul,
whip my skin and
rip the terror from within:
in the light I can see clearly
what you’ve done to me.
cracked bulbs under my feet,
haunted twitches and
your name on my lips
in my sleep.

the dead know all my secrets –

I am my messiah.

armored with this verity,
grief is buried,
heaven sings and
all that’s left is me

still

you are the ocean
in which I rest;
a hushing lullaby,
an endless love,
a perfect nest.
I relish your warmth
in my bones,
let your waves crest
through my soul.
my skin naturally
drifts to your current,
my heart aches
to sync to your beat –
learn it
earn it –

b e r m u d a !

deliver and devour me,
scourge and scour me,
bury me deep
into your depths,
may I forgive
you for the life you stole.
cradle my sin stained heart,
sink deep into my palms,
and swallow me whole.