on others

I watch her with eyes envy, heart heavy.

wishes and steps so heavenly, gently,

her blood beats slow.

loves, she has many;

enemies, maybe one (if any).

oh to be jealous of

skin that has only just begun.

she rains down from above:

engulf me and swallow me whole,

drown me in your love:

if only we could sink down below. 

across my skin your fingers brush;
my particles seem to ripple and flush,
a candid effort to rush to your touch.
every bone in my body screams run –
it’s too much, too much.
instead I settle into that sweet disgust,
let my dreams rot and rust.
fingertips are only dust and nothing is just us
(nothing quite left to discuss) –
but we’ve only just begun.

swill

flutters and stutters,

gulp at straws and

grasp at throats (wait)

drag me with you and

sink, sink,

drink, drink,

(swallow the demons and

dance with the heathens)

think – wasted – blink –

rivers flood the ocean,

truths dawdle on my tongue,

secrets take shelter in my home:

despair flourishes about, my

hopes have thoroughly drowned.

if only, if only you could hold my heart,

maybe it wouldn’t fall apart.

wishes

I pulled myself apart to reach

the level I thought I had to be

to give you the love I thought you deserved,

to find the love I’d desperately

wanted to achieve.

unstick yourself from me –

that guilt is crisp on our bloody lips,

I trace your outline with my burnt fingertips.

my touch is a flood

and the love I want

is a trivial fantasy.

it’s not really bated breath and

windswept dreams;

it’s late night hate sweats and

anger stitched with lust

that bursts at the seams.

still I bow at your feet,

still you I serve – 

there’s a special valve

in my heart, reserved 

just for you. 

regret

hesitation,
aspiration,
just a twinge of guilt
rests on my neck.
cysts on my lips,
happy pills crushed between
teeth: my tongue lolls, vacancies – empty
shells, a secret sort of hell.
my beacon doesn’t shine too bright,
my faith doesn’t fly too high.
then there was blood
and it resonates.

vortex // northwest

i’m searching for something Beyond
what this world has to offer.
fire rains down and in
the mud i drown.
the sun peaks, swallows the hills:
its truth rushing
across the slopes; it
blesses my crown and
pierces my iris.
i raise myself from the dregs,
clear the mire.
clouds swirl and swallow my soul,
whip my skin and
rip the terror from within:
in the light I can see clearly
what you’ve done to me.
cracked bulbs under my feet,
haunted twitches and
your name on my lips
in my sleep.

the dead know all my secrets –

I am my messiah.

armored with this verity,
grief is buried,
heaven sings and
all that’s left is me

still

you are the ocean
in which I rest;
a hushing lullaby,
an endless love,
a perfect nest.
I relish your warmth
in my bones,
let your waves crest
through my soul.
my skin naturally
drifts to your current,
my heart aches
to sync to your beat –
learn it
earn it –

b e r m u d a !

deliver and devour me,
scourge and scour me,
bury me deep
into your depths,
may I forgive
you for the life you stole.
cradle my sin stained heart,
sink deep into my palms,
and swallow me whole.

bow, knees bent,
hands twisted,
dripping with sweat –
pray the fine divine takes
back what wasn’t mine
to begin with.
“peasants, kings, bend
before my feet –
kneel, girl,
accept defeat.”
I bathe in the lake
of my sins;
to each their own holy water
(mine just happens
to go by the name of gin).

drink the blood
break the bread
worship the flesh
drown in the flood

and I smoke when I’m hungry
(which lately is all the time)
maybe I’m hoping to die, or
maybe if I stay thin,
I can squeeze through these
bars you put me in.
maybe if I happily grin
I can slip out of this
hell in which I’m pinned.
I cry holy,
I cry sanctuary,
again and again.
there’s only this wretch,
this turmoil within.
laughter, from Emmanuel:
my savior, my kin.

oh

gloat.
your gleam,
lost in my throat,
my lids thick with grief;
my mouth locked with disbelief.
someone throw the switch
between brain and
beating heart.
all this thinking doesn’t seem
too smart.
i rumble and tumble
and run back to the start –
we breathe, we bask, we part.
it’s all i know,

it’s all i wrote.

holy

warm nose kisses and
gentle monday bliss,
pieces of you scattered in
my bones; my eyes
swollen with love,
wrapped, maybe trapped,
beneath those scarred arms.
throw the curtains over my lids;
crush my heart between your teeth.
that love is thick and lush,
marbles in my mouth:
a sleeping stupor wrestling,
waning and waxing,
cresting,
pausing in judgement
picking the moment
in which to come out.