on fitting in

buy into the aesthetic,
the portrayal of a perfect life:
i am my own
edatrix of my edifice,
not a single truth, nor a single lie.
i wish i was a wanderer, a wonderer
but i am a
home body,
home bound,
land tied.
at least i can claim,
i really have tried –
i beat that horse
until it died.
for you i’ve cried,
and drained my pride –
but i think, for now, love,
i’ll just stay inside.

I’m all open and I hope it hurts 

I wasn’t enough
I was too happy
and maybe sad
and maybe mad
too often;
I wanted sex too much
but I couldn’t never get it quite right
could I, love
and my brain could
never soften,
but my heart
was oft too soft.

was it something about
the way that I run?
or was it that I always
have words at the tip
of my tongue,
ready to burst from
the belly of my lungs –
was it fun?

across my skin your fingers brush;
my particles seem to ripple and flush,
a candid effort to rush to your touch.
every bone in my body screams run –
it’s too much, too much.
instead I settle into that sweet disgust,
let my dreams rot and rust.
fingertips are only dust and nothing is just us
(nothing quite left to discuss) –
but we’ve only just begun.

wishes

I pulled myself apart to reach
the level I thought I had to be
to give you the love I thought you deserved,
to find the love I’d desperately
wanted to achieve.
unstick yourself from me –
that guilt is crisp on our bloody lips,
I trace your outline with my burnt fingertips.
my touch is a flood
and the love I want
is a trivial fantasy.
it’s not really bated breath and
windswept dreams;
it’s late night hate sweats and
anger stitched with lust
that bursts at the seams.
still I bow at your feet,
still you I serve –
there’s a special valve
in my heart, reserved

just for you.

regret

hesitation,
aspiration,
just a twinge of guilt
rests on my neck.
cysts on my lips,
happy pills crushed between
teeth: my tongue lolls, vacancies – empty
shells, a secret sort of hell.
my beacon doesn’t shine too bright,
my faith doesn’t fly too high.
then there was blood
and it resonates.

vortex // northwest

i’m searching for something Beyond
what this world has to offer.
fire rains down and in
the mud i drown.
the sun peaks, swallows the hills:
its truth rushing
across the slopes; it
blesses my crown and
pierces my iris.
i raise myself from the dregs,
clear the mire.
clouds swirl and swallow my soul,
whip my skin and
rip the terror from within:
in the light I can see clearly
what you’ve done to me.
cracked bulbs under my feet,
haunted twitches and
your name on my lips
in my sleep.

the dead know all my secrets –

I am my messiah.

armored with this verity,
grief is buried,
heaven sings and
all that’s left is me

still

you are the ocean
in which I rest;
a hushing lullaby,
an endless love,
a perfect nest.
I relish your warmth
in my bones,
let your waves crest
through my soul.
my skin naturally
drifts to your current,
my heart aches
to sync to your beat –
learn it
earn it –

b e r m u d a !

deliver and devour me,
scourge and scour me,
bury me deep
into your depths,
may I forgive
you for the life you stole.
cradle my sin stained heart,
sink deep into my palms,
and swallow me whole.

bow, knees bent,
hands twisted,
dripping with sweat –
pray the fine divine takes
back what wasn’t mine
to begin with.
“peasants, kings, bend
before my feet –
kneel, girl,
accept defeat.”
I bathe in the lake
of my sins;
to each their own holy water
(mine just happens
to go by the name of gin).

drink the blood
break the bread
worship the flesh
drown in the flood

and I smoke when I’m hungry
(which lately is all the time)
maybe I’m hoping to die, or
maybe if I stay thin,
I can squeeze through these
bars you put me in.
maybe if I happily grin
I can slip out of this
hell in which I’m pinned.
I cry holy,
I cry sanctuary,
again and again.
there’s only this wretch,
this turmoil within.
laughter, from Emmanuel:
my savior, my kin.

oh

gloat.
your gleam,
lost in my throat,
my lids thick with grief;
my mouth locked with disbelief.
someone throw the switch
between brain and
beating heart.
all this thinking doesn’t seem
too smart.
i rumble and tumble
and run back to the start –
we breathe, we bask, we part.
it’s all i know,

it’s all i wrote.

holy

warm nose kisses and
gentle monday bliss,
pieces of you scattered in
my bones; my eyes
swollen with love,
wrapped, maybe trapped,
beneath those scarred arms.
throw the curtains over my lids;
crush my heart between your teeth.
that love is thick and lush,
marbles in my mouth:
a sleeping stupor wrestling,
waning and waxing,
cresting,
pausing in judgement
picking the moment
in which to come out.