on fitting in

buy into the aesthetic,
the portrayal of a perfect life:
i am my own
edatrix of my edifice,
not a single truth, nor a single lie.
i wish i was a wanderer, a wonderer
but i am a
home body,
home bound,
land tied.
at least i can claim,
i really have tried –
i beat that horse
until it died.
for you i’ve cried,
and drained my pride –
but i think, for now, love,
i’ll just stay inside.

wishes

I pulled myself apart to reach
the level I thought I had to be
to give you the love I thought you deserved,
to find the love I’d desperately
wanted to achieve.
unstick yourself from me –
that guilt is crisp on our bloody lips,
I trace your outline with my burnt fingertips.
my touch is a flood
and the love I want
is a trivial fantasy.
it’s not really bated breath and
windswept dreams;
it’s late night hate sweats and
anger stitched with lust
that bursts at the seams.
still I bow at your feet,
still you I serve –
there’s a special valve
in my heart, reserved

just for you.

still

you are the ocean
in which I rest;
a hushing lullaby,
an endless love,
a perfect nest.
I relish your warmth
in my bones,
let your waves crest
through my soul.
my skin naturally
drifts to your current,
my heart aches
to sync to your beat –
learn it
earn it –

b e r m u d a !

deliver and devour me,
scourge and scour me,
bury me deep
into your depths,
may I forgive
you for the life you stole.
cradle my sin stained heart,
sink deep into my palms,
and swallow me whole.

bow, knees bent,
hands twisted,
dripping with sweat –
pray the fine divine takes
back what wasn’t mine
to begin with.
“peasants, kings, bend
before my feet –
kneel, girl,
accept defeat.”
I bathe in the lake
of my sins;
to each their own holy water
(mine just happens
to go by the name of gin).

drink the blood
break the bread
worship the flesh
drown in the flood

and I smoke when I’m hungry
(which lately is all the time)
maybe I’m hoping to die, or
maybe if I stay thin,
I can squeeze through these
bars you put me in.
maybe if I happily grin
I can slip out of this
hell in which I’m pinned.
I cry holy,
I cry sanctuary,
again and again.
there’s only this wretch,
this turmoil within.
laughter, from Emmanuel:
my savior, my kin.

oh

gloat.
your gleam,
lost in my throat,
my lids thick with grief;
my mouth locked with disbelief.
someone throw the switch
between brain and
beating heart.
all this thinking doesn’t seem
too smart.
i rumble and tumble
and run back to the start –
we breathe, we bask, we part.
it’s all i know,

it’s all i wrote.

strangers

I wish I knew you; I’d run right up to you, and ask what to do. I’d listen to your truths, try to be less blue, tear at my flesh until it was all new – new. Our bodies pass and I swear I feel your soul jolt through me; it doesn’t matter what I’ve done, it just matters what we become. 

it’s raining.

no matter how much I stray,
no matter how much we change,
it’s funny how we manage to stay the same.

i think of you.

apathy pumps through my heart,
ecstasy turned anaesthetic;
a pathetic way to restart.

h e a l t h y

you know i worship you.
 that poison poised on your lips
sinks gracefully into the crooks of my soul.
 my hooded eyes turn to the sky,
fall in love with you – with love – no, with you
 over and over and over again,
twist and dip and throttle my throat until everything is blue
 bind myself to your truths
I flip my palms, my carcass opened wide
 surrendered
sift through the thickest layers of my skin,
 plant that doubt deep.
my body now neatly folded,
 discarded into a waste bin –
hope died, devilry thrived.
 this is normal, normal, we cry.
hold it up (my heart) & break it.
 let the beasts run rampant
I huddle into the darkest secrets of you;
your abuse, your covenant, is long overdue.

and another, for you

innocence breeds at the tip of my tongue;
lies and lust are never enough.
we’re not really made of stardust,
just warped iron and love
steeped in rust.

I scrape my skin into the abyss,
chip and flake and rake.
everything I was, is all his.
all we did was take;
all we did was give –
funny –
I swear I lived –
but somewhere along the line
I think my heart died,
sputtered beneath your weight,
crumpled when love turned to hate.

as those perfect pearls fall from my eyes,
I suddenly remember how you said:

I always look pretty when I cry

a longing

can you feel it?

that wedge, the ledge, the end
we pray, we pledge, we bend
we laugh, we mend, break and break all over again

i know you feel it –
i know you hear it –

a coveted love, lost
the last chapter, penned.